2.2

I don't sleep. A couple hours at a time maybe, but never the whole the night through. I don't LIKE to sleep. But it's not because I have so much to do and I don't want to waste time sleeping. I don't subscribe to that entire "time enough for rest after you're dead" philosophy. I am desperate for sleep. But when I feel it creeping up on me, I fight it. When I do slip into unconsciousness, I do so with all the lights on, the TV on, my laptop in my lap.

I haven't slept the entire night through since 1993. Something happened that summer, something bad. And 8 times out of 10, when I sleep, it happens all over again in my nightmares.

It was the kind of thing that made it impossible for me to be alone in the same room with a guy for months afterwards. Much less think of kissing one.

The first person I kissed after that summer was an ex-boyfriend of mine. I wasn't in love with him. I wasn't even attracted to him anymore. But I kissed him because I knew him and I knew he was safe.

And while I hope that one day soon I'll have a different best first kiss story to tell, I'm glad I have this one. Because it was the one that made me think everything could be ok again.